# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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