he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
