You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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