UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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