question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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