We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
