I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"