mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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