Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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