I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!