Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.