at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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