his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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