I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
