her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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