why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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