Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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