I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
