when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
