Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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