The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
