I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
