she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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