Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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