Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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