i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
