i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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