the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You can't motorboat a personality
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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