how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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