I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
