They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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