a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
