yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
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Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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