please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
