If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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