I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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