one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
