Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
