Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
