My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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