im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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