Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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