Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning