If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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