I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
