God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
