I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
