when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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