Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
