you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
