dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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