I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..