1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.