So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
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Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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