my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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