my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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