question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
