My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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