1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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