you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
