i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
