I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm always down for nudity.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
